A Friend Like Haydini

It wasn't that Hayden was particularly interested in meeting with the Sultan, but where else was he to get tons of gold? Sure, other Kingdoms almost certainly had gold, especially the medieval kingdoms. But Agrabah was basically known by the blades to have nobles loaded with the stuff. None were richer or more powerful ("powerful") than the Sultan of Agrabah. Coincidentally, Hayden killed the heck out of the last Sultan. Fun times. But, given that Hayden had little regard for authority and decided that stealth was basically irrelevant, that how he proceeded.

Now, he wasn't a silly fool. A fleet of spaceships didn't just flood the skies of Agrabah and cause pandemonium. It might have been fun, but it served no purpose other than to multiply the difficulty. While taking the gold he needed probably wouldn't be hard to begin with, and realistically he didn't believe it could be made to be harder, why take the unneeded route of being obstinate? Yeah, it was just maybe an army that he had to fight, but he came for treasure to make some of the finest circuit boards and best batteries so that his experiments with plasma weaponry could move forward. Recycling materials was fine, but it meant that he couldn't get anything that was higher end than what was present.

But, he didn't know where the treasure room for the palace was. That posed a problem. One that he would rectify by asking the sultan. Directly. Without announcing himself. Yep. Bad ideas all around today. Though, to be fair it wasn't so much a bad idea as a poorly planned one. The Superior Hayden didn't plan things out very well. Instead, he was very goal oriented, and operated much better in the short term. This impulsive nature compromised a lot of his plans- if he took the time to plan things out, they'd be great. But he was one who now lacked in patience. Playing Speed Chess was more fun than playing Go.

So, naturally, when he barged into the outer perimeter of the palace, he was met first with protests from the guards, and then after ignoring them due to belligerent arrogance their aggression. This did not work well in their favor, and Hayden left them unconscious on the floor while loudly proclaiming in a tone of voice reserved usually for the drunken and the insane that proper host etiquette was dead in Agrabah, attracting the attention of the guards within earshot. The same pattern subsequently occurred, all the way right to the Sultan's throne room. Hayden entered it with a bit of a huff, looking for the person currently in charge. He had some words for him regarding the politeness of his guards, and intended to receive compensation for their lack of charity.

A Corridor of Darkness opened next to the dusty, golden throne. A man stepped through the swirling darkness, with crimson hair and crimson eyes. He wore a black tunic, simple in design and half his chest exposed. The man looked at the intruder with an intimidating glare and asked in an irritated voice, "Why are you messing with my guards? Come to take over my palace like that little ship of yours?"

However, despite this intense behavior and aura, it was not like Iscor thought it was. He was covered in small twigs, leaves, and cotton. In his left hand, he was holding a pair of needles and in his right, he was holding yarn. Perched upon his head was a guinea pig, with bright pink fur, eating sunflower seeds and covering his hair with broken shells. Ignoring all of this, he maintained a menacing glare towards the intruder.

My oh my, what an entrance!... Is what Hayden would have thought. One thing. One tiny little thing. Well, more than one tiny little thing. By his count, four separate things that could be broken down into smaller, subcategories of even more things if he wanted to be extra pedantic. He grinned, chuckling as he walked forward without even slowing his step, almost like an ency child did as they explored a new and wondrous area for the first time. "Fine guess," Hayden told him as he raised a hand and pointed upwards, but dropping the hand like an ax. "But, no. I have spaceships. That'll suit me fine for now. Should I ever want your palace, you'll be the first to know."

Perhaps, earlier, the man had tried to be intimidating. However, small animals eating seeds upon one's head while they held equipment for knitting lent an (perhaps deceptively so) air to his demeanor that was more encouraging than discouraging. Disorder. Silliness. Confusion. Quirks. Serious he may be now, but habitually serious he obviously was not. And who could fault him? "I am curious as to how you know about the Ship, but I'll save those questions until the end of class. Actually, I need some direction from you at the present. Where is the treasure room?" Never mind that it was ships, plural. And never mind that the main ship was actually quite large. These were details that could be hashed out in due course.

For a moment, Iscor just looked at the intruder who revealed his intentions, which was the treasure that was presumably hidden within the palace. A smile tugged as his the corners of his lips when he did.

With a snap of his fingers, a Corridor of Darkness opened up between the two men. "I'll save you the annoying directions and walk. This leads directly to the treasure room. Of course, you might think this is some sort of trap, but you need not to worry. I'm not stupid enough to make an enemy out of somebody like you."

And he was telling the truth. However, what the intruder would find was not what he would expecting. A dark and dusty room, filled only with empty baskets and spider webs. No treasure would be found because there was none.

Hayden gave a moment's pause as he looked the man over again. Fishy. Very fishy. Trout, and more so the case with the extra assurance that it wasn't a trap. Hayden vaguely recalled a soldier on the ship, who looked feminine but wasn't. He had seen in a short time span many desperate and horny Aliens be assured that it was indeed a she, when in actuality it was more of both at the same time. It was a trap, if you will. At this very moment, Hayden felt that this black portal was more likely to be an analogous meat stick of surprise than a clam with a pearl in it.

"Thank's for the offer," Hayden started. "I mean that. Really. It is a very lovely dark corridor. But, let's move forward with the assumption that I'm just paranoid enough to not walk into portals that don't have a clearly visible exit."

Iscor sighed. "You're going to make me walk there, aren't you?" he asked rhetorically.

He paused for a second, looking at Hayden, thinking as the Corridor disappeared. "Would you believe me if I said we have no treasure and that it's an empty room? But can you walk out of the doors and come back in as if you found an empty?"

As he talked, he turned around and went to go sit on his throne. When he sat down, a cloud of dust appear from the layer that had covered it from disuse.

See, I wanted to do this bit where you go and find out that it's empty and you come back confused or angry and I smartly tell you that Agrabah is a shitty city for a reason you dumb fucking asshole," Iscor explained coolly, and though he was arrogant, his tone was not hostile or aggressive. He had a tone of more like "are you really that stupid?" As he looked directly into the intruder's eyes, to drive the point home, he suddenly sneezed.

Hayden was silent for a moment, observing the man as the portal closed and he walked to his chair. He hadn't noted the dust on it before the man's sitting upon the throne not only sent the dust into the air, but no doubt turned his pants and ass an unpleasant shade of gray. He felt a very small twinge of something foriegn. Not empathy, or pity, but a memory flash of what it felt like to be honestly, truly disappointed. He contemplated the man's proposal.  A game of pretend certainly would make this more interesting. But the offer was undercut by an immediate remark that chaffed Hayden's ego very uncomfortably.

His eye twitched. It wasn't at the supposed lack of treasure. He would strip the gold from the palace walls if he had to. It was that insult. "Dumb fucking asshole," Hayden repeated as though mimicking a surprisingly infuriating lyric he had heard in an otherwise calming melody. He spoke the three trigger words calmly, his hands visibly curling into fists before unfurling back into fingers reflexively. "Mmmmm... tssssss... ooooooh..." He clicked his tongue. Really, it was only the insult to his intelligence that bothered him. Dumb. Bad word choice, and it left him torn- kill, or lecture? He was settling towards-

"Kill. I think I'm going to kill you slowly," Hayden said, a strange whimsy overtaking his voice. "See, no, I could tell you why you're wrong, but I think I'll wait until I start-" he traced a copy of Blade's Prophecy and Blade's Legacy into each of his hands, the whimsy in his voice seeming to steadily give way to anger and a rise in volume- "peeling your skin off of your scalp-" he generated a clone from his shadow, and then another thirty clones spawned almost immediately around him who also brandished traced weapons- " and plucking out your eyes but letting the nerves stay connected-" while he became even more enraged, another three clones appeared directly behind Pac Iscor. Like the Superior himself, these clones were also undetectable through supernatural means and wielded traced versions of the above so named blades as well, yet this was not what Pac would notice. He would instead more prominently see even more clones generated in that instant- "and mash one while the other watches so the last thing you see is burned into your god damned memory forever!"

Hayden glared, his eye twitching again as he stood now in something more appropriately called a clone room than a throne room. He was talking a fair bit more than was intelligent, as he was taken up in the rage of screaming. Yet, each second he was buying saw the clones in the room growing in number at an alarming rate. For every one clone that was made, another two at least seemed to be created. "Yes, slowly," his voice had decreased in volume and became more menacing. "First I'll cut out your eyes, then I'll blow out your ear drums so that you can't even stand. I'll break your knees, and I'll degrade your senses until only the ability to feel utter, horrific pain is left. Years. It'll take me years to kill you. I'm going to savor it."

That disturbing smile and train of thought ended with something odd. "But if you'll apologize, I'll let it slide."

---

Technical Shizznit:

Fascinating.

Iscor expected anger and annoyance, but not to this extent. It seemed as though he hit a nerve with his insult, which caused a particularly violent reaction from the intruder. While Iscor wasn't acutely aware of this man's exploits, he knew enough that he was a threat and that the threats he spat out were not hollow.

Iscor was not prideful. He fount pride to be pointless and childish. He valued his own existence and believed in preserving it. He did not think he could win this fight if it were to go forward, given how much the intruder had accomplished in the time it took to drool out a few mere words and threats. He would have to quell the tamper tantrum.

"I apologize," he said, simply. "I think it is clear from your capabilities that you are extremely intelligent and clever. Such fascinating and complicated magicks and skills weaved together at the snap of a finger. Simply fascinating."

And it was. Iscor was not lying, for insincerity in this situation was not in favor of his preservation. Everything he said was the truth, and although he didn't think this intruder was smart in every area, such as common sense, he did think he was smart in various other areas.

As soon as the stranger said he apologized, Hayden almost immediately backed down. A second or two later, all the clones he had summoned were banished and he stood alone before Pac Iscor again, unarmed as the traces of his weapons turned into energy and dissipated. "Apology accepted,' he panted, sighing in what seemed to be mock relief. Man, Pac Iscor had really cut it close! What a butt-clenching spectacle.

Hayden found himself so worked up that despite being a nobody, having a heart but still having decidely muted emotions in the more... romantic areas, he had become so enraged that he had developed a hard on. He would have felt self-conscious if he cared, as the thick member jutted out visibly in an awkwardly-angled bulge within his pants. Still, it was uncomfortable, and likely wouldn't go away soon.

Hayden briefly contemplated what to do next. If Hayden's still lingering hard-on was any indication, his rage had faded in to satisfied arousal. Yet he found himself without an apparent solution. Masturbation was for plebs who couldn't get any, but what else could he do? Yet, when he tuned back into reality after this admittedly complex yet brief contemplation, he did so when he was being contemplated.

His member hardened even further.

Hayden almost immediately knew what he had to do. He rushed Pac Iscor and pinned him to the chair, magicking off his clothing with magic and dicking his butt with dick. Pac loved it and fell in love with Hayden, but Hayden was a free spirit and a wild stallion and also a fucking sociopath who didn't return those emotions. Pac chased after Hayden, insisting that he was pregnant and that Hayden needed to be around for the birth of the baby. Hayden replied that you do not get pregnant through the butt, and that Pac was also male. Likely he had gas, or just needed to poop, and Hayden didn't want to be there for that. Eventually, Hayden had to file a restraining order against the needy little fuck because he was not only a greedy lover, but a needy one. And Hayden wouldn't be having that--

His mind snapped back on topic. Where the fuck did that train of thought go? A hand unconsciously scratched the front of his pants as he adjusted his belt, making room for his new uncomfortable passenger. It took that adventure for Hayden to understand that he wasn't hard still from rage, it was indeed arousal. But it wasn't Pac Iscor that aroused him. "It's me," he said boisterously, continuing his own thought while addressing Pac Iscor's compliments. "What more could you expect? Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way..." He needed an alias.

It didn't need to be clever.

Maybe a smidgen racist though.

"I am the great Haydini," he declared with conviction, "and I require gold. If you don't have gold, then riddle me this my sultry sultan- do you know where I might find some?"

It seemed as though Iscor managed to squeeze his way out of danger by his apology. He was somewhat surprised this guy accepted it so quickly. Though, Iscor then noticed something that he wish he didn't. It seemed the intruder was too happy about his apology and the resolution.

"Uh. Um. Okay," Iscor muttered as he averted his eyes from the intruder's protruding yet concealed member. The situation shifted from one kind of uncomfortable to a whole other kind. Iscor was starting to wonder what he had done to deserve. Well, recently, at least.

The intruder introduced himself as Haydini, a poor amalgamation of what Iscor assumed was his actual name and the culture of the place they were in. Iscor raised an eyebrow and decided to call "Haydini" out on such an obvious lie.

"From that...name, I'm just going to assume that that is an alias," Iscor said. "And since it's probably a mixture of your name and the name of some meat you heard on the way through town, I can only guess, probably accurately, that your real name is...Hayley." Iscor was confident in his guess that he even dared to call it a fact. He was as smart as Hayley thought he himself was.

Without waiting to hear a response, Iscor continued onward with the discussion to discuss his question. "There are plenty of places to find gold, Hayley. Unfortunately, Agrabah is not one of them, though I am aware of where you could find the expensive wares you seek."

Curses! The man was more clever than Hayden could have ever anticipated, seeing through his obviously racist, poorly constructed, and ultimately unimportant ruse! How would Hayden every hope to cope with this man's clever mind? He'd even deduced Hayden's true name! This could be trouble- if Hayden was recognized he could wind up having to expend marginally more effort than he wanted to in order to get the gold!

...oh, wait. No, he thought his name was Hayley...

...

Rolling with it came the thought as he feigned some form of mild surprise. "You are a clever one," Hayden shrewdly complimented, keeping the man's mood somewhat high. While he didn't really care for barriers to getting what he wanted, he still greatly enjoyed the mental games that often accompanied them. "Yes, I am Hayley, Grandcouncilman- or Councilwoman, I would truthfully prefer, as I am actually a transgender. But, you probably knew that from my androgynous looks and slender figure, toned like that of a dancer," he purred as he rubbed his chin, closing his eyes while he basked in his own praise. "In other words... I am a transgender princess of deep space. Or, Queen I guess. But that makes me sound old."

He returned his attention to the sultan, now with a more confident expression that relayed his intention. "So. You say that Agrabah, the city that is basically equated with having gold and resources, is absent of gold. Weird, considering that you have major market places in the area and an obviously large amount of trade. But, we'll humor that it doesn't. We will, because you are offering me something equivalent it seems. I would prefer to take the easy route and just steal your gold, but you seem willing to offer me a rather... equivalent exchange. A deal. You keep whatever gold you do or don't have, and then you'll tell me where I should go to find it. Hmm..."

He crossed his arms in deep thought, bowing his head. A hand lifted from the cross and pressed two fingers too his forehead. "On the one hand: you could be fucking with me. On the other hand, you've seem to have learned better within the last bit of time. So, I'll listen and then I'll decide what I would like to do." He uncrossed his arms, raised his head, and formed one of his hands like a gun and pointed towards the air-no need to make the dude think he might shoot him. Guy might know better, but Hayden couldn't really blame him for maybe feeling jumpy after his... episode. Hand in a gun, bent at the elbow to point in the air he then moved his finger like the pull of a trigger. "So... shoot."

Iscor raised an eyebrow. He clearly guessed the wrong name, but he didn't really care. Knowing Hayley's true name wasn't the important part. The important part was...wait, does he think Hayley is exclusively a girl name? There are plenty of people with that name. Well, variations. Like Haley. Adding the extra 'y' didn't mean it was exclusive.

"A major marketplace that has poor quality with almost no customers. Did you not notice the starving or already dead peasants on the sides of the streets?" Iscor asked, sharply. Agrabah was far from a rich place. Though, of course, Iscor was working on a way of helping his people. Magic and spoons, what a wonderful combination. But that was a topic for another day.

"There are plenty of other worlds with better treasuries to pillage," Iscor said. "Castle of Dreams, Land of Dragons, hell, even that wet blanket of a world Atlantica. Think about how much sunken ships you have access to."

"Of course, there are other ways to obtain gold than demanding for it. There are..." Iscor hesitated, for the suspense. "Certain places scattered throughout the worlds that hold riches and prizes beyond your wildest dreams. You just have to go hell and back to attain them."

"Considering I flew in on a spaceship? No. I'm not an eagle," he said plainly. He waved a hand at the man's insistence that his city was a poor place. Obviously, they had conflicting definitions of poor. If they were so poor, then why build the palace? It could have been built ages past, but if that were the case the desperate and starving would have started to dismantle the outside portions by now.

Had they? Didn't matter. They definitely would not have if Hayden were in charge. He was very particular about who touched his things. He sighed in a manner resembling relent, shrugging his shoulders and sighing. "Well, that's the thing. Those places may have gold, but I'm already here so... yeah. If I have to go to those places? Then I have to. No way around it. That said..." his eyes narrowed.

"Would one of those certain places be located somewhere on this world? Because I would really, REALLY hate to leave empty handed. It would just delay all my lovely little plans." He patted his hands against his duster as though shaking it free of debris, before bringing his hands together in a clap. "Any help would be much obliged."